When the S**T hits the fan

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING. When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY. The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE. A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK. When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH. The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME. Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER. A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N). A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS. A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR. Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH. A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE. A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON. A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET. A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED. A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Follow up to my previous thread about education

"Common sense, is not that common"

"Let he who would move the world first move himself" -Socrates

"Not having, is no excuse for not getting" - Sargeant Waters "A Soldier's Story"

"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors." - PLATO

"Never give advice; A wise man don't need it and a fool won't heed it."

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school"Albert Einstein

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something I can do".-- Edward Everett Hale

Super Bowl CHAMPS!!!!!

So 32 days ago, the SUPER BOWL came and went. The combatants were the UNDEFEATED and UNSTOPPABLE New England Patriots versus my Flawed, Incomprehensible New York Giants

The game for the first three quarters was not the most aesthetically pleasing one, unless you were a Giants fan. With each hurry of Brady, each sack, each incompletion, you began to feel more comfortable that perhaps we WERENT going to go down as the biggest super bowl losers of all time. In 2000, we already had a bad showing. FUCKING RAVENS!!!!

The 4th quarter came along and it began to hit me... MAYBE, JUST MAYBE... we could pull this off... then came the Mosss 4th quarter TD, orchestrated by the Tom Brady of old. My heart broke, no correction. My heart SHATTERED!!! Twas to good to be true it seemed. THEN CAME THE DRIVE...

Officially, anyone that KNOWS football knows that football teams belong to the QB...and in each qb's resume, those who go down in history have a MOMENT where they transcend an offensive play, a defensive scheme, a broken play, an audible. There is just this moment where nothing fazes them, and TWISM* occurs.

*TWISM is a phrase made popular by Shaquille O'Neal, and he received it from the movie SCARFACE. It succinctly stands for The World IS Mine. It comes at a point when the world is your oyster, and all one has to do is smell the aroma and SUCK out the juices.

Eli's escape from a sack that would have thwarted the Giants drive...David Tyree's catch that borders both improbable and impossible, the fade route TD that would eventually be enough to CLINCH the game and the championship. UNBELIEVABLE!!!

I wanted to wait for a while to make this post because I wanted it to sink in. I HONESTLY did not come into this season thinking we would win the super bowl. I came in thinking we would clinch a wild card and MAYBE make it to the divisional round. After the way the season went, that STILL remained my mindset. i KNEW we would beat the BUCS and EXPECTED a good showing against the 'Boys. After that WIN... I thought

-24 degree weather in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Looks like it will be two weeks of Brett Favre versus Tom Brady commentary. Then something happened. In between the tv shots of Tom Coughlins frozen and almost sickening face, and the up and down tempo of the game I started to believe.

Somewhere in between belief and disbelief there IS a certain way that you view things. Where you refuse to let yourself believe the impossible, but also refrain from being too realistic. That;s what this super bowl brought. When the clock ticked 0:00 and the clock read GIANT: 17; NE:14... I knew that not only history was made, but that for 364 days, my team will be the BEST in the world (metaphorically speaking).

I wanted to make sure that it was true... 32 days later Cinderella is STILL at the ball and it hasnt struck midnight... just 0:00

Some Interesting Chalk Art

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Julian_Beever

Julian Beever
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Julian Beever

Mountain Dew advertisement in Union Square, New York by Beever.
Julian Beever is an English chalk artist who has been creating trompe-l'œil chalk drawings on pavement surfaces since the mid-1990s. His works are created using a projection called anamorphosis, and create the illusion of three dimensions when viewed from the correct angle.
Besides this pavement art, Beever also paints murals and replicas of the works of masters and oil paintings, and creates collages. He works as a freelance performance artist and creates murals for companies. He has worked in the UK, Belgium, France, The Netherlands, Germany, Austria, Denmark, Spain, the U.S., Australia and Brazil.

ENJOY!!!!!!

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What do you guys think!?!?!

Revised State Mottos

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Scared!

The Wonder of the English language

English:
If you ever feel stupid, then just read on. If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, Englishlovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France(Surprise!).
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

Education is KEY!!!!

This post is brought to you by the Artist: Soulja Boy; the Song: "Report Card"; and the defecation of musical marketing media on the common senses of the masses... this post is my opinion, and while my own i am quite sure the sentiment rings true with others.

Artist: Soulja Boy f/ Arab
Album: SouljaBoyTellEm.com
Song: Report Card
Typed by: OHHLA Webmaster DJ Flash
[Intro: Soulja Boy]
Man I just got my report card today mayne
I looked at it man I had all F's on it
I took it back to the teacher and told her throw some D's on it
LIKE THAT! Soulja Boy up in the building (throw some D's on that-on that)
I just got my report card (throw some D's on that-on that)
I just got my report card (throw some D's on that-on that)
AYYYYY~!
[Chorus: Soulja Boy]
Soulja Boy chillin dog, just got my report card
Looked at it, all F's, took it to the teacher desk
(Throw some D's on that-on that) I just got my report card
(Throw some D's on that-on that) I just got my report card
AYYYYY~! (Throw some D's.. throw some D's-throw some D's)
(Throw some-throw some D's-throw some D's) I just got my report card
(Throw some D's-throw some D's)
(Throw some-throw some D's-throw some D's) I took it to the teacher desk
(Throw some D's-throw some D's, throw some-throw some D's-throw some D's)
(Throw some D's-throw some D's, throw some-throw some D's on that-on that)
[Verse One: Soulja Boy]
Sittin up in the classroom, she gettin on my nerves
The teacher talin 'bout, "Soulja Boy do yo' work"
She talkin 'bout adjectives, pronouns, and verbs
I'm knocked out, I ain't hearin nuttin the class heard
I'm daydreamin hard bout that Stacks on Deck
But I don't know how I'm gon' pass my next test
I got my 'port card, I'm like what the hell is this
I took it back to the teacher and then I told her
[Chorus]
[Verse Two: Arab]
I always be in school but I be walkin halls
A lot of teachers give me tests, but they be super hard
I get into some trouble then my momma calls
But after I get out the office I'ma tell 'em all that I'ma superstar
And that's best
Everytime you see me up in class my head on the desk
And when you see me on them girls you know that I'm superfresh
Yeah teachers, students
Class, stupid (AYYYYY~!)
[Chorus]
[Verse Three: Soulja Boy]
I just got my report card, I just got my report card
I just got my report card, I just got my report card
Throw some D's on that-on that! Throw some D's on that-on that!
Throw some D's on that-on that! Throw some D's on that-on that!
I got a 47 up in math, a 67 in english
A 14 in science, man what the heck they thinkin?
Throw some D's on that-on that! Throw some D's on that-on that!
Throw some D's on that-on that! Throw some D's on that-on that!
AYYYYY~!
[Chorus]
[Outro]
Throw some D's on that-on that! {*4X*}
Throw some D's-throw some D's, throw some-throw some D's on that-on that....

Growing up in a single parental home, I was always raised to respect the power that education gave you. Growing up, my immigrant mother, who only had a high school education, did the best she could to ensure that her three children would be given the advantages she never had. Her most used phrase was and still is, "No matter hwat happens in this world,there are a few things that can NEVER be taken from you. Education is one of those tools." Growing up, one thing that always gave me pride was how well I performed in school, nopt only for myself but also for my mom. I am not going to go into a long rant about myself, rather this post is in direct reference to the Soulja Boy song "Report Card" and indirectly to the direction that education in this society has come to.

I overheard my 13 yr old cousin listening and rapping to this song the other day. And while initially I ignored him due to the fact that it was a soulja boy song, i made myself actually to listen to the lyrics or lack thereof (because honestly any of his songs usually consist of 4 hooks and 2 verses that are not only eerily similar but essentially are synonymous with one another. and don't get me started on the monotone and dry "beats"). The lyrics bothered me because a few weeks ago, Soulja Boy became the most downloaded person in history, or something to that effect. Meaning that his songs and simply his "message" is reaching millions of people. This sickens me because that means that many impressionable young men and women tend to heed this message.

In the American inner cities... the saying goes that to make it out of the "hood" or any impoverished position., one must be well versed in music, sports, or do something illegal (crime, drugs, etc). Rarely is it praised when someone puts in that hard work, educates themselves and lifts themselves up from their bootstraps. Who can blame the youth to look forward to the quick and easy way out. When athletes are signing millions of dollars in guaranteed money just because they can shoot, run, and jump it is definitely appealing. When musicians are given signing bonuses to flaunt their bodies (while lip synching) or spread most likely fibulated tales of their "hood" upbringing, why fight it? Why not just get money my, nigga?!?!!?The promise of riches is indeed tempting.

And let's not be silly. I understand not everyone is set out to be valedictorians or PhD candidates. What I AM saying is that the promotion of the educational system in the US has been placed in the backburner because the capitalist nature of our society finds no way to actually capitalize on promoting education. This is why a promoter at a glitzy nightclub makes upwards of 3 times more than what a catholic grammar school teacher with a Master's degree works.

Do I have a way to fix the problem that I am complaining about? Of course not, but I think that realizing that there is a problem is definitely the best way to get started on fixing it. Let's be real. In today's world, parents ARE overstressed. Not tooo many families can afford to have one parent stay at home, due to the cost of living, planning for college, and actually perhaps saving for retirement. Many parents make their best attempts at still staying connected in their kids lives. However for those parents who actually DO make it a habit to stay involved, most things they teach their kids (education, morals, etc) can easily be thwarted by not only the media but by your child's environment, specifically their misinformed classmates. Whats easier to do on a Tuesday afternoon? Study for that big World History 1 test OR put on BET/MTV/VH1 and rock to Soulja Boy's latest video? Not too many things can beat the allure of the BLING.

I have nothing personal against Soulja Boy. He is being used to sell albums, nay sell a new youth musical movement. And in the meantime, the boy is making that money as well. What I am worried about is that little boy or girl who forsakes honing their mental, logical, and creative skills at their most formative years and then DO NOT make it in sports, music, tv, ETC... what happens to that kid? There are many statisitics that show that the options aren't that optimistic. But you know what? "Who cares? This Soulja Boy is HOT!!!" _my lil cousin right before i took the cd AWAY from him.

Disclaimer: I am not only a fan of education but I plan on going into the field once I complete my Master's Degree. So I am extremely biased. But it's my blog, so BUZZ OFF before I CRANK DAT =)