Why Doesn't He Want Me!?!?

The reason for this blog is an episode of "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" Its the one where Will Smith's tv dad played by Ben Vereen, comes back into Will's life. They cool out and have fun for a while but when it came down to it, his dad stil wasnt ready for Will to be a MAJOR part in his life. In one of my ALL TIME favorite tv scenes, Will becomes teary eyed and asks Uncle Phil why his dad didn't want him. Such a good episode and a POWERFUL scene. It always hits me a bit, and that's because of my history with my own father.

Those of you who know me know the history with my father, to some extent.

Basically when I was in 5th grade, my older half sister was in 6th grade, my younger sister was in 4rd grade, and my brother was still a toddler...he left us. He abandoned us for another woman, left my mom with his three children, and a daughter from another marriage. I resented him. I abhored him. I HATED HIM. However, he was still my dad and in some way I STILL wanted his acceptance, his direction, his love. Even before he left us. He was never the father who knew best; he was never the one to say "I love you, son"; and he was never the one who wanted to do any father and son bonding activities. But he was still my dad. I still looked up to him. I still respected him. I still did not completely understand what was going on. I was 11, I was confused, and I was HURT.

There were a lot of instances where I felt that he ahd chances to make it up to him and prove that despite not wanting to be with my mother anymore, he at least still wanted me. I wanted to be a good son while they were fighting because I was under the impression that I i did better then perhaps they would get back together. So I behaved well. I got all A's in school. I did chores. Took care of my siblings. And did not cause any trouble for them. Yet he still left. What's a boy to do?

Once it was clear to me that he wasn't going to return I finally realized that it was not because of me that he left. It was because he was selfish and was not reay to be a father, despite at the time having 4 kids and being 40+. Sometimes age IS just a number. But despite the hatred I had for him I never once let it affect my siblings views on him. Perhaps it was just me I would think. Maybe he would be more involved in THEIR lives. Hmm, I was wrong.

From the age of 5-8... my brother constantly waited for my father to pick him up and hang out. There were numerous occasions, but the 4 main times were on my brothers birthdays. The weekend of his birthday in each of those years, my father would promise to take my brother out. To six flags, to the carnival, to the movies, shopping, etc. However, each occasion, he would be a no show-no call. And I would have to make up an excuse, and take my brother out for his bday. I made up excuses because I was under the impression that he was toooo young to understand why his father kept standing him up and/or did not want him. Then the next day he would call my brother, without fail, with some fantastic story or excuse and promise him that next time would be different. After a while, my brother caught on and realzied what was going on.

The zenith with my father, came the summer of freshman year of high school. I just got accepted into probably the most prestigious school in Jersey City, if not one of the BEST prep schools in New Jersey. I even earned a scholarship due to my grades, my participation in the Higher Achievement Program that the school sponsors, and upon the recommendation of my grammar school principal, who thought highly of me, my academic ability, and my leadership potential. I always thought it was funny that my father never saw that in me, but EVERYONE else did. But despite my scholarship, I still had to buy school books. My mom didnt have it so she told me to ask my father. Although I did not want to I eventually did for two reasons: 1) i REALLY needed the money and 2) i wanted his acceptance still and what better way to get it than to show him i was doing well in school.

That phone conversation will always be embedded in my mind. I asked how he was... he asked how I was... I told him I needed money... He said he didnt have any... I said it wasnt that much.. He said then ask your mom.. I said she doesnt have it cuz she is has lot of other responsibilties and he says, "I never told your mom to send you to soem expensive school. I could care less if you receive an education or not. I do not have the money, and I wont have the money. If it were up to me, I could care less if you were dead. You would probably be less of a bother." Silence on my end, then I hung up. Told my mom the story, and she called him back and promptly cursed him the fuck out.

Needless to say. The relationship has not been the same since. Since then I have had 11 birthdays. I graduated from high school ranked in the top 20% of my class. Earned a scholarship to Rutgers. Graduated with a major in history and a double minor in PoliSci and Africana Studies. I will be going back to grad school in the fall to get a degree in Public Admin. My sister is a semester away from finishing her undergraduate career at William Paterson. My brother now has a job a QuikSilver (his first) and will be a freshman next yr at some prestigious university. And he is going to be taking my mom to court, because he is a dead beat dad who doesnt want to pay $129 for child support.

Since leaving us, he has since had two wives, who have both left him, and bore another son who he is now ALSO not paying child support for. He didnt pay child support for a long time, and I still have never received any kind of child support from him. But I do not care. my life has gotten along well, and I have always vowed that whenever I hav children, hey will never be for want: be it emotionally, spiritually, physically. My children will know that my life will be laid down for them becuase I LOVE THEM THAT MUCH.

I had three father figures growing up. Three uncles who have told me time and time again that they would have been proud to call me their own.And one of them even does. He has told people I am his oldest son. Its strange. each uncle altho being there for me have always served specific purposes with me. One I went to with school and finance issues; another was more of the "manly" issues; and the third was the youngest and was the one I went to with girl issues and to cool out with. However, despite these three men who I call my fathers and all the other people who have helped my (other relatives, principals, counselors, and teachers/professors) there was and is always that void.

Its a simple question that really has no answer: "Why Doesn't He Want Me?"

Ladies and gentlemen. I do not know, but in the long run, it really doesnt matter. I am and have always been surrounded with people who DO want me and that's all you really need when it's all said and done... no?